"You can't help it if you're mad"

Tips for helping children learn to manage their anger

By Claudia Miller

When told that they can't have any ice cream, three siblings react very differently. One gets angry and hits her brother. Another screams "I hate you!" The third stomps around, slams doors, and throws his toys.

While anger is a basic human emotion, many adults aren't sure how to teach children to handle angry feelings. Parenting experts offer tips for helping children learn anger management skills.

Acknowledge your child's anger

Let children know that it's OK to feel angry sometimes and that they shouldn't be afraid of their anger, says Madeline Meyer Riley, an Oakland marriage and family therapist. "You can't help it if you're mad, but you can help what you do about it," she adds.

Sometimes, just stating, "I can see that you're really mad," can diffuse the angry situation, says Stacy Kaiser, a mother of two school-age children and a Van Nuys marriage and family therapist. "With my children, giving them a hug or just touching them lightly may sometimes end the angry feelings and they'll often just break down into tears," she adds. Adults should also think about whether hunger or tiredness are making things worse.

Stop inappropriate behavior

Stop children when they are hitting others, shouting, throwing toys, slamming doors, or doing anything else that your family or child care center doesn't allow.

Many parenting experts suggest using time-outs or separating kids who are fighting. "Tell the child, '[You] need some time to cool down, and we can talk about the situation in a couple minutes when you're ready to talk," says Laura Parra, clinical social worker at the Venice Family Clinic.

On the other hand, Patty Wipfler of the Parenting Leadership Institute advises parents to stay with their children when they're angry. "Don't get involved in arguing with them," she says, "just be there." Once when her son got angry over ice cream in a store, "he burst into tears and was thrashing around in the cart. He kept telling me that I was a bad mommy," she says. Wipfler left the store and sat with her son. When he told her she didn't love him, she replied quietly, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not going to get the big ice cream today." Eventually, she says, he "got around to being a reasonable person again. I know that it was really important for me to stay with him and listen to him during that time."

Help children handle angry feelings

Younger children may not be able to tell you why they're mad, says Parra. "Their behavior is their way of communicating to you. You can help them by giving them the words they need to use, such as, 'I'm really mad that I can only have one cookie.'" Soon, the child will learn to use those words instead of "I hate you" or "You're mean," she adds.

You can also teach children to count to ten before saying hurtful words, take deep breaths, or write down their feelings in a journal. You can ask younger children to draw "their mad feelings," says Meyer Riley. Encourage children "stuck" in an angry mood to run around outside for 10 minutes, punch a pillow, jump up and down 10 times, pound some Play-doh, or stomp around their room for a few minutes.

When all is calm, teach problem-solving skills

"It's nearly impossible to make any progress talking to someone who is furious," says Stacy Kaiser of Friends of the Family in Van Nuys. "When my two daughters get angry at each other over the television, I'll tell them that the television stays off until they calm down," she said. "At that point, we can talk about the problem. The television stays off until we figure it out."

"Often children need help thinking of solutions," says German Walteros, early intervention coordinator for San Francisco's Instituto Familiar de la Raza. "[But] if a parent or teacher recognizes [a child's] angry feelings and then provides some alternatives, the child feels empowered," he adds. For example, a child may want all the green crayons. The teacher might tell him that, while another child is using green, he can have three red crayons or wait until the green one is available.

Adults can help older children find ways to share and take turns with siblings and playmates. "After a thousand times, children do learn that having a temper tantrum, hitting, or shoving doesn't really work, it just gets them into more trouble," says Walteros.

Diferent families will teach different approaches he adds: "Culture does play a [role] in how families raise their children, so people need to take into account their own family history and circumstances and apply the advice of the experts in a modified way."

Role model appropriate behavior

Children often learn to deal with anger, disappointment, and frustration by watching how their parents, child care providers, and teachers react when they get angry. Parents can model good anger management skills by using "I" statements instead of shouting--for example, "I'm angry that you hit your brother," or "I'm really frustrated that the juice was spilled."

If a parent or teacher loses their cool, they can tell the child they made a mistake by yelling--next time, they're going to try to count to 10 to calm down or take a walk instead.

When necessary, seek professional help

Experts say parents should consider talking to a professional-such as a therapist, religious advisor, or teacher-if they feel very angry when their child gets angry or if their child shows a very inappropriate response to anger, wants to hurt him or herself, lacks empathy (if an older child), or shows no remorse. "If the problem is ongoing for the parent or the child, it can help to talk to somebody outside the family," says Kaiser.

Source: The September-October 2004 issue of the Children's Advocate, published by Action Alliance for Children, www.4children.org